WWE's Bad Orgasm

Summerslam was supposed to dramatically point the WWE in one direction or the other, as represented [mostly] by CM Punk or John Cena, though Christian or Randy Orton was also a relevant choice in this matter. Either they gave into the smarter fans by pursuing a new mode of thought with Punk as champion, or they stuck with their time-tested formula by giving the strap to their boy, Cena.

Instead, WWE sidestepped the whole issue and gave the audience a conclusion that prevented anyone from wanting to riot, but didn’t really satisfy anyone, either. It was as if they stared nervously at all their options, panicked, and then made a completely absurd choice. Yes, Summerslam was WWE’s bad orgasm.

The card, outside of the main event, didn’t have much to excite anyone. This was a one-match pay per view, to say the least, which is often a bit of a problem. In this case, the under-card was… fine. That’s it. Most of the matches were above average without being classics. Everyone groaned when Kelly Kelly beat Beth Phoenix with the exact Victory Roll counter to the Glam Slam that everyone saw coming a mile away. Wade Barrett picked up a much-needed win. Henry and Sheamus had a cheap ending to keep either from looking too bad.

Then the World Heavyweight Championship match confirmed part of last week’s column (“Along Came Punk”) by being a good match that went to Orton. Thus, Christian had a 1-month title reign that started with a disqualification and ended by having him definitively lose to the man who, it was strongly implied, he couldn’t beat. One could see his credibility go flying away. Oh, sure, he’ll find a way to stay over because of how talented he is, but where does his character go from here? Along the same lines, Orton himself is entertaining, but he’s being shoehorned into a very generic, invincible babyface slot that just isn’t doing anything for him. And no one wants to see him fight Henry. Barrett or Rhodes, maybe, but not Henry.

On a side note, how skinny did Edge look? That says a lot about how hard these guys work out, as it’s only been 4 months since he’s stopped having to lift aggressively. Specifically, he looked just like Jayson Werth. Sorry, Edge, but the short hair aint doing anything for you. Good promo, though.

But denoting that much column space to Smackdown seems wrong, so onto the main event. Punk and Cena pretty much delivered – the match was going nicely. And then it just ended. Not only did it end, but it did so like something one would see on an episode of Impact. Punk won without really winning, Kevin Nash made everyone simultaneously say, “What the hell?” by jumping Punk, and Alberto Del Rio became champ. Yes, the guy who Punk quickly beat in a throwaway match on last week’s Raw is now the champion.

Clearly, it was only a matter of time before Del Rio got the belt. And, seemingly, everyone can agree that he’s alright (though it doesn’t seem like too many are nuts about him). But he ‘s not the draw that Cena or Punk are at the moment, and giving him the belt was clearly a way to avoid making anyone mad. They’re putting off a decision. Here’s hoping for a short reign.

The ending to the show, as suggested by Raw the next night, was the continuation of more good storylines, but as a show unto itself, Summerslam was disappointing, to say the least.

That being said, how fun was it to see Punk and Nash go back and forth on Raw? It’s so clear that, even with him being gone for a while, Nash still subscribes to the standard Vince McMahon mentality of loving big guys and hating the Indie mindset that Punk brings to the table. Thus, Nash almost certainly thinks that he, Triple H, and Cena are all better than Punk, and it’s great that Punk doesn’t back down from them for a second (notice how Triple H, even though he was supposed to be neutral during the contract signing last week, only trash talked Punk? It’s obvious that he hates to see Punk getting so over). Don’t be too surprised, though, when this turns out to be building to more McMahon presence, like every big storyline does. Stephanie keeps popping up for a reason.

It was good to see Morrison beat R-Truth after having lost cleanly to him the week before. Who knows if they’re actually pushing him, but at least they’re not burying him. Meanwhile, R-Truth’s character went from appropriately goofy to just stupid. He can literally say anything in his promos and the fans are just supposed to accept it because he’s “crazy.”

Somebody replace Booker T on commentary. Now. It’s not funny anymore. He’s TERRIBLE.

Word has it that Triple H is in the process of bringing in ROH tag teams in order to revive the division. That’s great, but why do they let the tag division get so bad in the first place? Every wrestling fan enjoys tag team wrestling, so why ignore it? There’s no reason to do so aside from general laziness.

Last week’s column begged for Ezekiel Jackson to lose the strap, and sure enough, Cody Rhodes came to the rescue. It seems like that’s just a way to delay his entry into the main event, which isn’t good, but there’s no way of knowing where they’re going with it for sure.

Isn’t it funny how Dolph Ziggler isn’t great on the mic, but he’s good at the commentary booth? It could be a good move to get Vickie off of him and onto Swagger. Ziggler needs to progress and Swagger needs something to give his career a jolt. Riley is talented in some capacity, but his greenness seems to still be overwhelming that fact. Or maybe it’s just that the face heat he got from The Miz is already wearing off and it’s becoming clear that he is, by nature, an arrogant, frat boy-like jerk.

In conclusion, Raw was good – mostly good enough to make up for Summerslam. As per usual, that’s primarily thanks to Punk – there’s nothing wrong with being a Punk mark – but at least it’s not all on his shoulders anymore. And honestly, Cena’s doing quite well in his role, too. Hopefully, Smackdown will measure up, in spite of having an uninspired champion at the moment.

Oh wait, is Booker going to be on commentary?

Chris "Mr. Enigma" Arney
MisterEnigmaOO@gmail.com
http://www.youtube.com/user/PoopyToilet?feature=mhee